Parenting Help
Peaceful Parenting Help!
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What you are going thru is normal. I as a parent choose to discipline my children more so as "correction". My children know that I love them more than anything. After I correct my child whether it be a stern voice or a spanking. After a while they always come to me and tell me they are sorry. On their own. So my children don't feel abused they feel corrected. They know they did wrong and they know that if they do it again they will get corrected. No matter how you choose to correct or raise your children it will always be correct because you are their parent. But you must make them feel more loved than corrected!!! Best of luck girl. 🙂
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I did a reply video. It's got some tips on how to clean/get ready with a toddler.
Toddler Tips for Getting Things Done and Keeping your Sanity – Toddler Thursday
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First of all, to say the next couple of years u guys will never have free time is crazy! James will have a little brother to play with soon! In the mean time, I don't remember if you said there's absolutely nothing in your area but, how about taking him to a library (they usually story/play time)? mommy and me yoga? Bundle him up and play in the snow? You can also try meetup.com and see if there are any playgroups in your area.
I know they say it's bad to let babies watch tv and it's something I try not to do- in fact we don't even have tv channels, just a tv with a dvd player- but baby einstein (you can find it on youtube) is educational and fun and plays classical music…it's kind of nice and babies love it. They even teach some sign language. If I'm ABSOLUTELY DESPERATE for some time to myself, I'll put it on, and my baby really likes it. I think there are way worse things in life than letting them watch once in a while if u really need to get stuff done or have a little break.
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I am a mother to a 3 month old boy so I'm sure my time is coming. However before that I was a teacher and taught preschool for 2 years. My suggestion would be lots of repetition and routine. It can take 100 times of doing something before a child response to something. Also say you tell him for instance "I will play with you in 10 minutes" Maybe showing him what 10 minutes is, like saying "I will play with you when the big hand is on the 4" Everyday my 2 year old students would ask me the same questions. It helped when I showed them visually what our plans were. Also some days were just crazy because of random occurrences. I hope you find a solution. 🙂 Good luck!!
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I 100% agree with the attention thing, I was always reminding people that at that age when Liam was acting out, it is because he's looking for attention – and it doesn't matter WHICH kind of attention, positive or negative – it's the same to him as long as someone's interacting with him, so we might as well give the positive kind. We are a completely peaceful parenting home. My only solution when he acted out was to ignore it, and then do OVER the top, hardcore positive attention when he's being "good". Like simple things, when he puts a wrapper in the garbage, or gives me a kiss or builds a tower without my help. I gradually encouraged him to do things on his own and have some independent play..and even if it lasts 5 minutes, I extravagantly praise him; freak out, dance around type of praise haha. Over time the "negative" attention behaviour just stopped (which was really just looking for me to pay attention/play with him, which is fine), because he knows I'm not going to even look his way, because as much as he's my top priority, things still have to get done. And if it's a mess he caused and I can't actually ignore it, I clean it/him up silently and then move on to what I was doing. I felt bad about ignoring him and felt like I was trying to train him to act a certain way, but it was such a short period before he "got" it and now he's one of the most well behaved, self aware 3 year olds I know.
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I never knew there was a name for this type of parenting. Very interesting! Thanks for sharing!
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First if all -it's ok to get frustrated. It happens to the best if parents. It's going to take time and patience on your end. There are sometimes when you might just have to ignore him in a sense when he starts to misbehave and see if he quits. I find a lot of time that my son acts out to get my reaction – it's a normal part of toddler development for them to push and test boundaries. Hang in there! You are doing your best!
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This is EXACTLY what I am going through right now!! I decided to go back to work because its been such a hard winter and I feel like I need to get out if the house every once in awhile can't wait for spring and summer!!!
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I don't have any advice….my daughter is only 5 months so we are not at that stage yet, but I wanted to say that you are a good mom!
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I can totally relate to everything you said about being home and how lonely it can get! I have two little ones (we're about 40 minutes from Toronto) and this weather has made it even worse!
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Can you try a library? sometimes they have story time meet ups once a week. Is there any "rec centers" in your area? You can try looking for a Facebook group for moms in your city and have meet ups? That is such a hard age to deal with, ESPECIALLY to be pregnant. The winter my son was that age, was probably the hardest time of my life. I am absolutely dependant on TV (educational) during the winter time. Maybe while you're cleaning, you can give him a little broom and have him "help"? hold the dust pan? Give him a few dishes to play with while you wash? Also, maybe make a chart with pictures of what you're going to do throughout the day "8am breakfast, 9am dishes, ext…" Sometimes kids thrive when they have a routine to depend on. Feeling guilty is something they don't tell you about when you decide to be a mom. But EVERY mom feels that way. The fact that you care means that you are a GOOD MOM. This WILL NOT last forever. He's just at such a busy age that he gets bored if he's not constantly stimulated.
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I understand u completely, my son is 16 months old and im going thru the same thing. We are also staying at home mostly and we go through these things as well. I yelled at him 1 or 2 times some days ago and he did the same thing as James he hugged me so tight and i felt so horrible about my yelling that i never want to yell at him ever again . As i believe in peaceful parenting as well, not many of my friends could help me so i just started to do my own thing and for now what i do is that i tell Sam to help me with the chores that i am doing and i ask him if mama could finish work quickly so we could play again sometimes its so difficult that i would just sit and cry and try to figure out what to do. The best i can do right now is really talk to him and tell him to help me or distract him into something else like i ask him to bring one of his toys to mama and tell him to show me how he can stack them up and i got him some cleaning toys and i ask him to copy mama. Bcuz he sees me cooking and cleaning he likes to copy me and i gave him some empty boxes and plastic utensils that he can use to do his own cooking and that keeps him busy for a while and i can get over cleaning the kitchen. Some days it works, some days he's so worked up he wont even listen. I understand u completely as im going thru the exact same thing as u are but this is all i could manage doing and i hope u come up with something that helps me as well ! Good luck
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Can you have him help you with the chores? I realize it may cause more messes in the beginning but it is a great way to instill confidence and really all he wants is the time with you. Just a thought. :hugs: Best of luck!
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It sounds like how any baby acts when they know there is a change (sibiling) on the way. All of my boys have done that. And it was because they knew someone new was coming and they just wanted that extra attention to reassure them that they were never replaced. Maybe try making it fun with him cleaning the house or involving him in on those things (like its a game) so you can get it accomplished. I don't hit my boys or yell often, I have been actually working on that with myself. But they do get punished (ex: my son has bad day at school, he looses his nook/wii u). Also if he might be better once Spring comes and is able to get out and play! Once he isn't so bored inside. We too don't get out much. I am a stay at home mom to 4 boys, my "excitement" is going to the grocery store once a week! We don't get out much because hubby has the one and only car and I don't have a license. So I know how you feel! 🙁
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same thing here… well almost: lizzy (2, 1/2 years old) is very good at playing on her own for as long as an hour straigt. here is what i do if i need extra time while kiddo is awake: let her take a bath or just play with water in the tub (with minimal water or in a bathing pot), give her some finger paint colors to play. (therefore i cover the floor with a huge blanket we only use for that purpose and that keeps her occupied for at least 15 minutes. another thing: i refused to get a dog while she is still that little because as much as i love dogs – i don't the like the small ones and i don't want her to get run over by a great dane 😀 so we picked: mice. yup. mice. they live in a huge terrarium and elisabeth loves to help me cleaning the cage or collecting sticks for them to climb and crawl up on. they usually awake between 5 – 6pm and she could watch them for hours. literally. (i'm sure other pets do the job as well) one of my least favorite time-buyers that she sometimes is allowed to have is watching a episode of "the moomins" for 20 min. yup. not proud of it but as long as it's once every other day i don't think its that bad… also i try to make her a part of every thing i do. even if it's going to take twice as long. fresh air and outdoor activities (no matter how cold or rainy it is) also work in your favor because they are more likely to stick to their sleeping pattern.
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so be brave hun – it's a hard time to be a parent. after 2 1/2 years of being a mom i found that people just aren't meant to be living this way. miles away from everything and everyone they love. alone in the house all day. so my hubby and i are planning on buying some land together with my mom and 2 of my sisters. we don't want to share a house but we're planning on a very close neighborhood. i think that might be our final solution to this problem. so me and my sisters' kids can grow up next to each other and there will always be someone who can take care of your kids if you need to do this or that or just need a moment to yourself. i really wish you all the best momma – soon you will be a family of four – and i'm sure james will love his little brother to bits!
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I had a bit of an epiphany moment later in the day yesterday – isn't James in the 10th wonder week? (I know it's possible that James just generally likes your extra attention given the reasons you described. But, the 10th wonder week is a long one and, if he's in the midst of it, his clinginess would be cranked to full.) Consider it 🙂
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Thank you for making this video. I knew I had an alternative view on how to parent my new son, but I haven't been able to really explain it or give it a name so that I could look into it. I'm definitely going to research it and try to recruit my husband if I find that it's exactly what I've been looking for.
Also, I'm in a similar position as you. I live in Florida with my husband because of the military, while the rest of my family is in Kentucky. I've only been a parent for 2 months, and I already feel very lonely since my husband has to work and it's just me and my son. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can relate, and I hope that we can both figure things out soon. Good luck, and thanks again for making this video.
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If things get too bad I think we can withstand fewer videos, Tina. I understand family life is hectic- something I probably won't appreciate until I actually have kids- so do what you have to do in that brief time James is asleep, like cleaning…we deeply appreciate so many videos and if we all like you we can wait 😀 Probably not what kind of response you wanted from this video, but regardless. ^^ best of luck!
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If things get too bad I think we can withstand fewer videos, Tina. I understand family life is hectic- something I probably won't appreciate until I actually have kids- so do what you have to do in that brief time James is asleep, like cleaning…we deeply appreciate so many videos and if we all like you we can wait 😀 Probably not what kind of response you wanted from this video, but regardless. ^^ best of luck!
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I'm obviously not a mom and don't 100% know what you are talking about, but I do have siblings and little cousins that I babysit and when they were around James age I would involve them with what I was doing. Maybe when you do the dishes or laundry or anything else find a way for him to help and make it a "game" and make it fun for him, that way you can get the things you need to get done, done.
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Virtual Hugs! I'm not well versed with peaceful parenting, it sounds like a great philosophy, right up my alley. But what I can say, and I'm sure others have suggested is do whatever you can to reach out and find some friends with kids in your area. Try meetup.com and facebook for local moms groups. Maybe even churches? Even if you aren't religious sometimes there are groups for moms. Drive around and try to see if other houses nearby have kids. Be a stalker, it's OK the other moms are just as cooped up as you are! Just finding one friend to come over and have a playdate will give James the stimulation and change he needs and give you some relief too. Once you find a friend or two you can trade off watching kids, and they get to hang out together and you get some actual alone time to do things or do NOTHING.
If a babysitter isn't in your budget, maybe try to find just a mother's helper – like a high school student to come over and just play with him (supervised by you) so you can cook and get a few things done. I'm not sure if it's commin in Canada but here there are lots of mother's morning out programs at churches, where it's like a daycare, a bit less formal, and you can just send your kid one or a couple days a week, usually just for 4 hours or so. Maybe you vcould do that one day, and it it was possible for Alex to carpool or take transit to work that day you could have transportation, and do something with James afterwards.
Good luck. I really think you both need some more people in your day to day life, and that finding a few will make a huge difference.
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Oh also can you carry James in a back carry in a carrier? That might help you be able to cook or clean a bit without him getting into things. And something like a learning tower might help him feel involved in what you're doing. http://www.amazon.com/Little-Partners-Learning-Tower-Natural/dp/B001ECHXVC
Here's an ikea hackers version that we're going to try to make in the next few weeks. http://www.ikeahackers.net/2013/03/lucys-learning-tower.html
Is there a door to his play room? If so could you make it 100% child proofed and safe and close him in there while you're trying to do something? Might not jive with the peaceful parenting, but it might help him focus on his activity and not go 'oh mommy is over there doing that, let me check that out' I would use a baby monitor of course.
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My final comment is that I've made peace with a messy house. Sometimes dishes aren't done. My floors are pretty dirty most of the time. I'm proud of myself when I reset the toys after she goes to bed. I do laundry and have baskets waiting to be folded for 2-3 days afterwards. It's just my reality, and I'm trying not to push against it and aim for things that aren't doable for me right now.
just to introduce myself a tiny bit I work opposite hours of my husband he watches our daughter during the day and takes her to a sitter, then I pick her up and do dinner etc, and he comes home after I'm already asleep. She's almost 17 months and I'm 7 weeks pregnant. I have just a couple videos so far on my channel : ) https://www.youtube.com/user/missrachelk81
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Maybe you could hire someone to take care of him for a bit while you do chores so he gets to interact with someone else. Or see if there is a neighbor in a similar situation you could spend time with. Is time out peaceful parenting? He has to learn consequences somehow, and he will have consequences at school, so I think time outs would be helpful.
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Maybe you can buy him toy cleaning supplies so he thinks he is cleaning with you? Like play dishes, a little broom and stuff like that
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Have you tried putting him in a highchair with a snack or activity right beside you while you're doing the dishes/cleaning up etc.? My daughter(22 months) has always done so much better when she's beside me. I'd love to get a learning tower sometime in the near future. My advice would be to get him to help you with what you're doing. It takes longer and might not be done as well but I think he would like feeling like he's "helping." 🙂
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http://www.modernmom.com/cd4e6da0-3b3d-11e3-be8a-bc764e04a41e.html
I saw this and thought of you on this video. I hope this helps! 🙂
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I have been watching your videos for the past few months, and I also have little more advice to offer other than try to get him involved in what you are doing, search for more activities to keep him engaged, or try to meet more people in your community. I do want to add that at the same time that you don't want to spank, or yell at, or "punish" James, you do really need to think about how you are going to "guide" him. Just because you are not doing those things does not mean that you don't teach him what behavior is acceptable and what is not. It can set up an "If I act up, my mommy gives me what I want" expectation. Do you explain to him as you are telling him how much you love him that the behavior is not acceptable. He needs to understand how much you love him, but there have to be boundaries. You are loving mother. You are also a teacher. You are having another baby, so it is not realistic for James to think that you will always be able to drop everything to give him hours of attention at a time. I am sure that will ease as the weather gets better etc…, and you have developed more of a community where you are…But, what if he acts up when you are feeding the baby, or he is screaming when baby is sleeping? His acting up will increase 10 fold when the new baby comes, but of coarse you have to be able to, and want to take care of baby. You have to be able to care of your home. You have to be able to have some time with your husband. You have to remain sane, Tina. If it is just going to be you, James and the baby most of the time, and he won't have others to interact with, it will be hard to keep up with dropping everything all the time for hours on end. He does need to learn about behavior, that you need to get things done, and that sometimes he needs to play alone. Be easy on yourself in the meantime. Maybe pick a couple of different parenting models, and combine the ones that balance being peaceful with teaching appropriate behavior.
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Sorry, pregnancy brain got to me for a moment. Consequences, that is what I was going to say. You don't need to punish him harshly, but consequences are important to teach. You don't WANT to make him cry, but you cannot make it your goal never to teach, or correct his behavior just so you don't make him cry. Before you know it, James will be in the real world, and consequences are a part of it. I say this because I took a much more lighter approach with my first child who is now 14, and it will be 100 times more heartbreaking to see that in an effort to be only a super loving mother, you failed to teach consequences that come back to bite you in the butt many years later because they will. My mother is from Alabama, and a southern upbringing can be very strict. As much as I could easily be swatted on the butt for something, my mother dished out more love than anything else, and has always been my biggest supporter, and is my best friend. I decided to be far more lenient with my first. With my second child on the way now, I will find more of a middle ground, and that will take time and practice just like it will for you.
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You're so inspiring Tina, whether you know it or not. I have no advice for you because I'm 37 weeks with my first, but I hope to be as good of a mother as you. Being so understanding of your child and wanting to do your very best to make him happy and raise him right is such an amazing thing. I hope to be as patient and caring as you with my baby girl. I agree with you 100% about the peaceful parenting, it's so nice to hear parents actually taking time and consideration into punishing their child (instead of screaming and grabbing at their wrists because they aren't listening in the middle of the store and causing a scene). Just stay strong! What you are doing for James now is all that you can do, and you're doing it with all the love in your heart
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I don't remmeber if I commented on this or not, so If I have sorry for repeating. There are 158 comments I am not going to go through them to locate a possible comment from me lol Just want to say, I unfortunately don't have any full on advice. But want to say you are an amazing mama, and I respect you for the way you choose to parent James. Also, you are not alone when you say you feel alone ( if that makes sense lol.) I feel the same. Especially during the winter. I feel like there is only SO much I can do to entertain my baby and feel SO lonely! Hang in there Tina! <3
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I really needed to see this. Going through something similar but as a single parent to two little ones 14 months apart (2 yrs old & 1) & working full time. Personally, my faith is what's helping me though it. Having a relationship with God brings such a calmness & clarity to those moments when I need to be reminded that I'm the one God chose to be their parent & like He says, I need to be slow to anger. Not sure if you believe but, for me, that's what I've clung to. Children don't know how to act, & I constantly remind myself that I need to be the example of who I want them to be. It's still a struggle to be able to maintain a household, teach my child how to behave, feel like I'm spending enough time with them & be able to shower at least every 2 days (because as gross as it sounds, that's how little time I have for myself). I've accepted things will have to be dirty longer than I want sometimes. As you explained, what you already do, playing with your child is first. I wish I had more helpful words but I truly applaud your honesty. Just the fact that you want to be the best mother AND woman you can be (even though it's obvious to me that you're amazing already), goes to show just how much you love James and your family as a whole.
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Have you tried getting him involved with "helping" you? Give him age appropriate tasks that he can help with. Give him tupperware to dry and a towel. He might keep helping you or get bored and go play on his own. OR have you tried putting him in his high chair with a few toys or a small snack and right next to you?
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I know this feeling of feeling lonely! I have a hard time making new friends and find the whole process an anxious time for myself lol.
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the problem with giving him attention when he is misbehaving is that you are reinforcing this behavior. you are teaching him that the best way to get attention is to misbehave. i'm not sure if i really have a solution for you because i don't think there is necessarily a "right" way to solve this problem, but just try and take that into consideration when you're interacting with him!
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but fortunately i think that pretty soon he will have a playmate and they will occupy each other! you just have to do your best and get through the next year until baby boy #2 can be a playmate for james 🙂
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also, sorry to spam you, but if he's making a mess, then turn clean up into a fun activity. sing the clean up song and give him little tasks, like putting the DVDs back on the shelf. if he is rocking on the chairs, i would let him hurt himself (as long as it doesn't seem extremely dangerous) because him hurting himself will teach him not to rock on the chairs. just try and let him experience his own consequences and turn clean up time into a group activity!
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Thank you soooo much for making this video! I have been feeling so many of the same feelings you expressed and have had nobody to share them with who I thought would care to listen and/or understand. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone…Being a stay at home mom is fairly new for me as well (my son is 15 months old) but we do have two older children (9 and 7 years) and I'm also 26 weeks pregnant now. My hubby and I have always been against hitting or spanking our children and have always tried to stay calm when dealing with them. Our family relocated last year to Atlanta from California. Just about everything is different about my life now. I have no real friends, no transportation during the day for the same reason as you, and very little variation in my daily life at all. I will offer this…as our children have grown older we have had to adjust our parenting philosophy somewhat…and it's different for each child. There is still a lot of guilt and difficulty associated with disciplining our children but as long as we have trained them properly we are learning to trust that at a certain point we have to begin to hold them accountable for the things we have taught them. We have also realized that children just love their parents and want their attention and approval more than anything. No matter how much time you spend, what amazing, mind blowing activities you plan, etc…it will never be enough, they will never be satisfied…they will always look forward to what's next. This can be difficult to keep up with but at some point you have to let yourself off the hook and remember that you are a woman and a wife…you were a woman before your children came and will be one when they leave you to live their own lives, be sure to take care of you so you have something to give to them. Also, speaking from 14 years of marriage, don't give up on Alex as a priority because of your children. Give yourself some slack (mentally and emotionally), you're technically still a new mom and it's the hardest job in the world, especially when it's full time. You don't get a break. What I'm saying may not sound super practical but from watching your videos I can see that you are smart and resourceful, this too shall pass…
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Could you post an update video? I struggle so much with getting angry at my kids. I yell, scream, take things away, and spank on the butt but it makes me feel SO horrible so then I end up letting my kids get away with so many things. especially the way I am talked to by them, even after I give attention and try to get down to their level. I want to be more peaceful as a parent, but at the same time I know my 5 year old needs structure. A hint of sternness, especially when she might do something that might hurt her. I want to be taken seriously as a parent and not a pushover but at the same time showing love. So difficult! But yeah, make an update and let me know how it is going, or if there is any particular reading method you recommend. Also you could always tweak a method to your and James needs. When they are young they need to understand boundries, as they get older and can formulate full sentences and really understand the words your saying peaceful parenting might be a more realistic option. You are NOT a bad parent, you're awesome. Do whatever feels right to you and don't go by a guideline or other peoples judgement. Do what feels right for you, and forget everything else. Stay awesome!!! 🙂
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Just thought I would ask now I know a lil more: is peaceful patenting a lot like positive or yes parenting? I was reading up on the latter and I totally plan to do this—it's actually really similar to the way I deal with difficult people at work or if I'm in a disagreement with my husband
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Babies love bars!! 🙂 I love that you are using positive guidence/peaceful parenting. I unfortunately don't have babies yet (five years and still trying!) but I have worked with two year olds for the last ten years (with a 1-2 year break due to brain surgery and 2 abdominal surgeries in 2012.) In school/daycare you can't really use time out/yelling and definitely not any type of corporal punishment. Have you tried getting him to help you? like if you are putting up dishes let him put away plastic dishes on the bottom shelves. If you are folding laundry, letting him fold socks, underwear, under shirts. FWIW I think you are doing great! If you need any ideas, please let me know! I like coming up with creative ideas!
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I know it's been a while since you put this up but would you consider buying a car so you can get out and go to the play groups
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You can tell that peaceful parenting is the right way, because it's hard! Everything that's worth doing is difficult to do. Anyone who thinks peaceful parenting is the easy- especially when you've been stuck in the house all winter!….
My wife and I use screen time as a straight-up bribe. We developed an app to reward her with screen-time minutes and help us praise her more. She's 4 and responds really well to positive reinforcement, as opposed to no results from yelling and negativity. How has peaceful parenting worked out for you so far?
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For what it's worth, I've discovered there's only one thing that teaches children, and that is your example. If you yell and hit, it doesn't matter why, and it doesn't matter what you say, it ONLY teaches them to yell and hit. …Children don't learn from consequences the way people assume they would. It simply doesn't work.
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have you tried to include him in the household chores? (like you wash and he dries the dishes)
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God, I'm commenting on all your stuff today! I feel EXACTLY the same as you in this video! My daughter Freya has always been so active. and she wants to explore, play and spend time with me. So when it comes to house work, like dishes or cleaning it's impossible. I either have to put her in her highchair for a snack, or her meal and I dot about the house like crazy, unable to eat or drink myself just so she isn't distressed. EIther that or she sits at my feet and cries and says "Mama!" as she holds her hands up to me. Sometimes I'll sing and try and take her mind off it, but sometimes I loose my temper and shout at her. She's only 10 months, and when I see her sweet little face crumple and cry it is the worst feeling in the world!! I just want to be able to keep my cool and be the best parent possible!
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I can understand your frustration. First of all, just because we may make a mistake and have a "freak out" moment, does not mean you are failing as a parent. We are all human, and forgiveness is a huge part of being peaceful. Second, peaceful parenting does not mean that our children will always have "good days" or that they will always be compliant or "good" just because we are peaceful parenting. It means that we respond with peace on the "good days" and on the "bad days." I agree with comments about getting him to help you with chores. Third, I heard you talking about all of the things he does to get your attention that he knows he isn't supposed to do. As much as possible, remove the things that you do not want damaged or that could hurt him. You will save him and yourself a lot of stress. Your house may not look as cute, but do it for your sanity. Fourth, expecting him to be self-satisfying while you work for long periods is unrealistic until you guys can get into a better social situation. Before you start working separately tell him "mommy has to work" and then work for 5 minutes alone. He will get a little upset, but that is okay. Just stay calm. This is a habit of understanding that he will need to learn. After he can do it for 5 minutes without freaking out, then increase your time to 10 minutes. This is not a overnight process. It takes time. Just stay calm and don't give in for the 5 minutes. You are setting an expectation and setting a boundary. Nobody likes boundaries, but it is a necessary part of teaching a child that everyone's time is valuable. When you are done with your chore, loudly announce, "ALL DONE!" to signal that he now has your full attention again. Best of luck!
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